Not Alone
by MiaRoseT
Summary: After a particularly unpleasant argument with James Potter at the start of seventh year, a stressed-out Lily Evans tells James that she wants him to leave her alone. Surprisingly, James takes her at her word. Yet, as the weeks go on, Lily starts to realise that she actually misses all of James's joking insults and attempts to flirt with her...


**Notes: A Marauder's era James/Lily (Jily) story set at the start of their seventh year of Hogwarts. For the purposes of this story, I 'borrowed' the physical setting of the Hogwarts Owlery from the films, as I felt it worked better here (I really hope it does!). Hopefully everything else is as close as possible to what we know of Hogwarts from the books. :)**

 **A pre-getting-together story where Lily is only just starting to realise and admit her feelings. :)**

* * *

Not Alone

* * *

Lily Evans sighed to herself as she started to walk up the steps leading to the Owlery, with a letter that she was going to send to her parents held tightly in her right hand.

It might have been Saturday afternoon in late September, but she couldn't help shivering a little as she drew her cloak even tighter around her body with her left hand. Today's weather was bleak, like it seemed to have been almost every day since she had begun her seventh year at Hogwarts just a few weeks ago.

As though the weather could read and reflect her mood, Lily felt utterly miserable. She knew that there were any number of problems that she could (and should) be focusing on right now, the same problems that seemed to have been troubling her day and night for what felt like years already…

Firstly, her sister had completely cut off contact with her, but not before telling Lily over and over that she was ashamed to be related to her and insisting yet again that Lily should _stop_ attempting to send her letters by owl post.

Secondly, she knew now that any friendship she had once had with Severus Snape was over-he had made his choices, choices that Lily knew were going to lead him down a very dark path, and yet she felt powerless to do anything about his bad decisions; it seemed he didn't even _want_ her to attempt to do anything about his choices, or to try to talk him out of them.

Then, there were the constant whispers of war, and gloomy predictions about the future, going around the school, not to mention the almost daily reports in the _Prophet_ of mysterious disappearances and attacks, with tensions in the wizarding world seemingly at an all-time high.

And of course, there were also the typical worries that all the seventh year Hogwarts students had to face-worries related to homework and long hours of revision and the dread of upcoming N.E.W.T. exams, as well as all the extra pressure to choose a suitable career after Hogwarts.

Yet for all of her worries, the one thing that Lily hadn't been able to stop obsessing over for days was her most recent argument with James Potter.

Even now the memory of their argument was perfectly clear in her mind…

It had happened in the Gryffindor common room, on a Monday evening. Lily had already been stressing over so many other things, namely a very unpleasant letter from her sister, and the fact that Severus had walked past her in the Entrance Hall earlier in the day with a group of Slytherins, looking at her as he passed as though she were nothing more than a piece of dirt on his shoe.

She'd also had to listen to James and Sirius making all of their pathetic anti-Slytherin jokes throughout the day, including a few not-so-pleasant comments about Professor Slughorn, who happened to be one of Lily's favourite teachers.

Then, by the time evening arrived, Lily had already spent an hour or so in the common room, worrying about her latest Potions essay and wondering how she could ever live up to her Outstanding O.W.L. mark (as well as determinedly ignoring yet another newspaper article about more mysterious disappearances, which a student had left displayed on a nearby table).

James Potter had chosen that moment to walk through the portrait hole and start making his typically insulting comments about Severus, and something in her had just snapped.

She remembered shouting at him, feeling so angry as always about all the insults he'd thrown at Severus over the years, and also hating the fact that there were _some_ things he'd said about Severus, namely accusations about his love of the Dark Arts, that were maybe turning out to be quite correct.

Lily remembered a horrible argument starting, with her friends and also Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew getting involved, and she remembered feeling a rush of anger as every single harsh word came out her mouth.

"I just want you to leave me alone!" she'd finally shouted at James, her face flushed and her heart beating fast, with James giving her a very odd look, as though something was different in that moment about the way she'd said it, the way she'd shouted at him, or as though things had gone too far that time-far beyond their usual light-hearted insults and typical arguments.

And, strangely enough, James had taken her at her word-he had stopped all of his attempts to flirt with her, or to distract her in class, or to ask her to go to Hogsmeade with him; he had given up on all of their banter and insults, along with his typical smirks and winks and raised eyebrows every time they passed in the corridors.

Now, they barely spoke anymore, and he merely addressed Lily with polite nods of the head or one-word greetings whenever they passed in the common room or on their way to class.

Perhaps this was all some kind of effort to appear more mature, Lily thought to herself as she continued to climb the stairs to the Owlery.

This seemed to be a new thing for James Potter this year. Only the other day, Lily had spotted him helping Professor McGonagall carry heavy piles of books into her office, without the use of magic, with the two of them talking politely to one another the whole time. And, the few times that Lily's friends had practically dragged her to the Quidditch pitch to watch the Gryfffindor training sessions (in the hope of seeing 'all the handsome Quidditch players'), James had always seemed to be very kind and patient with the younger members of the team, apparently considering their safety and wellbeing to be his own personal responsibility, now that he was Captain.

To her complete and utter surprise, however, this polite, distant (and possibly more mature) behaviour towards her from James had only served to make Lily feel so much _worse_ about everything than she already did.

She didn't even understand it, didn't know why James's distance bothered her so much. Even her friends had asked her with incredulous expressions a couple of times if this was not what she had _wanted_ all along. James and his friends could be very annoying, after all, and she would probably never see eye-to-eye with them over their treatment of Severus.

But, for all the times that she had called him an arrogant prat, or told him to grow up, or simply to just go away, now, she wanted nothing more than for things between her and James to go back to the way they were. Although, she was fairly certain that she had far too much pride to ever admit this out loud...

* * *

The moment she stepped into the Owlery, Lily realised that she wasn't alone in the room.

"Hello, Remus, hello, Sirius," she muttered, trying to keep her tone of voice even, neutral, and trying _not_ to look or sound nervous.

Remus was wearing a slightly shabby cloak, and an old Gryffindor jumper that really seemed to suit him, even though its pattern had started to fade. For some reason, there were dark circles under his eyes, and a few mysterious scratches across his face.

Sirius, on the other hand, looked as elegant as ever, wearing expensive looking robes, and his dark hair seemed to shine every time a stray bit of weak sunlight came in through the windows.

She got a feeling that the two boys were planning some sort of elaborate prank in the darkness and relative privacy of the Owlery, because they were both sitting on the floor, talking in hushed tones, with several Zonko's bags placed between them, along with various pieces of parchment spread all over the floor showing hand-written lists and diagrams, and what looked like some kind of map, although that particular piece of parchment went mysteriously blank when Lily blinked a couple of times in the darkness of the room and then looked at it for a second time.

Thankfully, Remus greeted her with a nod and a grin. Remus Lupin had always been so nice to her, even the times when _she_ wasn't being so nice to Sirius or James; Remus just seemed to be the sort of person who tried to be kind to everybody, and Lily hoped he knew just how much she appreciated it.

Sirius, on the other hand, acknowledged her with nothing more than a quick nod and a mumbled, "Evans," before he looked away from her, focusing all of his attention on Remus and their Zonko's bags, causing Lily to feel an uncomfortable twist of guilt.

Automatically, Lily looked around the room for Peter, expecting him to be there, too, hiding away in the shadows, but he was nowhere to be seen. When she thought about it, Peter seemed to be far from his friends a lot this year, often mysteriously absent from the common room of an evening whenever James was there, and no longer running around Hogwarts or its grounds at weekends with James, Sirius and Remus.

His distance from the group seemed a bit strange to Lily, especially when he'd seemed to follow his three friends everywhere for years-perhaps he and James had recently had some kind of argument?

She had a feeling however that she would be told that this was none of her business if she asked Sirius or Remus about it-for all the long conversations she'd had with Remus over the years, she wasn't considered to be a part of their group of friends, when all was said and done.

As Lily discreetly watched Remus and Sirius out of the corner of her eye, the two of them still talking in whispers, as though they were planning something interesting, occasionally sharing a smile as they poured over their pieces of parchment, like they were in on some sort of private joke, and pausing every now and again to snack on Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, dividing everything equally in two, Lily couldn't help feeling terribly… _lonely._ She already felt like she was drifting apart from the people who had once meant so much to her, and now she was even starting to question whether the friendships she shared with fellow Gryffindor girls had ever really been that deep.

"Where's James?" she couldn't help asking the two boys, interrupting their whispered conversation.

Lily tried to act casual as she asked the question, tried to pretend that she was entirely focused on searching the room for the nearest available owl to deliver her letter, but really, she couldn't help feeling a flutter of nerves as she spoke, especially at the sudden and uncomfortable thought that if Sirius and Remus had headed up here to plan some sort of practical joke, then James probably wouldn't be far behind them.

"What do you care?" Sirius responded in a harsh tone, his glare definitely an accusing one.

Lily felt yet another twist of guilt at Sirius's words, but she could hardly blame him for his loyalty to his best friend after Lily and James's argument.

Everyone in Gryffindor knew that James and Sirius had practically been inseparable since first year, with the two of them becoming infamous for their pranks and jokes and rule-breaking, and their never-ending rivalry with Slytherin house.

Ever since Sirius had left his family home and started to spend every holiday with James and his parents, the two of them seemed to have become even more like brothers; Lily had spotted the two of them walking around Diagon Alley with Mrs Potter over the summer holidays, with James's mother introducing both of them as 'my boys' to every witch and wizard she got into conversation with, and Sirius looking surprised and pleased the whole time. Mrs Potter had even bought ice creams from Florean Fortescue's for the two of them, smiling indulgently at Sirius like he was a young child who she wanted to take care of.

James's parents had hugged both Sirius and James tightly on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters at the start of September, just before the boys boarded the Hogwarts Express, with Mrs Potter telling them to 'be careful' and 'stay out of trouble', while James and Sirius had smirked at each other behind her back, looking almost oblivious to the undercurrent of worry and fear that seemed to be lurking on the platform that morning.

Mrs Potter had also taken to knitting jumpers for both James and Sirius, jumpers which Sirius always wore with pride as soon as they were delivered by owl post, in spite of his apparent preference for more expensive, designer wizard wear during his earlier years at Hogwarts.

"Sirius!" Remus suddenly snapped at his friend after an awkward few seconds' pause, bringing Lily's thoughts back to the present moment.

She jumped, feeling almost shocked at just how loud Remus could shout, as he always seemed to be so calm and gentle. Even Sirius bowed his head, actually looking a little bit apologetic as Remus continued to glare at him warningly. Lily got the distinct feeling that there were not many other students at Hogwarts who could get away with bossing Sirius Black around like that.

"Erm..we're not really sure where James is right now," Remus added hurriedly, his tone of voice a lot calmer now as he looked in Lily's direction. "But he did say something about maybe meeting us here this afternoon…"

Lily nodded in acknowledgement of his words, before she hastily tied her letter to the leg of the nearest available owl. It was awkward enough being in the Owlery with two of James's best friends sitting close by, but things would only get more awkward if James showed up and saw her standing there, especially after they had barely spoken for weeks.

With shaking hands, Lily attempted to fasten the letter even more securely to the owl's leg, really not wanting it to get lost on its journey. After Lily had attempted to explain the dark state of affairs in the wizarding world over the summer holidays, her parents, in spite of their limited understanding of witches and wizards, had been very concerned for her wellbeing and her safety, and had therefore made her promise to send weekly updates in her letters home, along with promises that she was safe and that all was as well as it could be at Hogwarts. She wasn't about to break that promise now, if she could help it, in spite of other recent distractions.

After the owl took off through the nearest open window, Lily started to head back towards the main door. She nodded politely in Remus's direction, and he nodded back to her, and then she started to take even quicker steps, eager to leave.

"Look, Evans," Sirius called out hastily to her, causing Lily to pause in her journey to the door. "James is one of my best mates, practically my brother…"

His tone of voice was slightly softer now, and Lily wondered if this was some sort of an attempt at an apology or an explanation, _without_ actually having to apologise. She also suspected that Remus had been telling him off during yet another hushed conversation while she sent her letter, or telling him that he had been too harsh with her.

"I know," Lily responded, hoping that her voice sounded a bit softer now, too. _I never wanted to hurt him…that much,_ she sort of wanted to say, although her fierce pride just wouldn't let her.

Still feeling miserable, she left the room, the cold breeze outside causing her red hair to whip across her face.

Apparently, Remus didn't think that Sirius had been apologetic enough: "You didn't have to be so rude to her!" she could hear him shouting at Sirius as she started to descend the stairs, while Sirius argued back with him, accusing Remus of never taking his side, and also saying something that sounded strangely like, "You know how James feels!"

Lily left them to their bickering, sighing to herself as she thought about how she had inadvertently caused yet another argument between friends.

* * *

Of course, her recent bout of bad luck must have followed her outside, because she had only taken a few steps down the stairs, her hair blowing across her eyes in a gust of wind, when she practically walked into James Potter, who was hastily climbing up the stairs, heading towards her-or more accurately, probably heading to the Owlery to meet his friends, before she'd accidentally blocked his path.

Lily froze, taken by surprise, suddenly feeling unable to move, unable to do or say anything.

Annoyingly (and unexpectedly), she felt a blush creep to her cheeks, and she silently cursed her red hair and her fair complexion-she'd never been able to hide her blushes. For years, she'd easily written off her flushed cheeks as a consequence of her anger whenever she was around James, but now, she wasn't so sure if that was the case anymore.

James also stopped as he seemed to realise who he had almost walked into, so that the two of them stood staring at each other in silence for a few long seconds, with what felt like a heavy sort of tension hanging in the air above them as James brushed a few stray strands of jet-black hair out of his eyes.

In the silence, Lily couldn't help wondering how he could still look so attractive (to her, anyway) when his hair looked so messy, like he'd just been flying around the Quidditch pitch for hours, and he was wearing a faded jumper with a Golden Snitch knitted on the front (clearly a gift from his mother), and his cloak was fastened haphazardly, his glasses askew. But still, he looked like the one of the most handsome Hogwarts students that Lily had ever laid eyes on. It was a shame he'd always been such an arrogant prat.

Ever since first year, when the girls she shared a dormitory with had gone on and on about famous, handsome Quidditch players, or various other famous wizards, or attractive Hogwarts boys who always seemed to have perfect hair and robes, always looking so neat and tidy, secretly, Lily had always thought that she might prefer boys with messy, dark hair and knitted jumpers. Not that she had ever admitted this out loud.

"Evans." James finally broke the silence with that one word, with no malice in his voice, but no flirtatious or mocking tone, either. He followed this word with a polite nod of his head.

"Potter," Lily responded in a polite tone of her own and a quick nod of her head as she tried not to think about how strange, how _wrong_ it seemed that they were both greeting each other so curtly. She also tried not to think about how much she hated this.

After a few more polite nods, Lily attempted to step to her left so that James could get past her, but of course he stepped in the same direction, and then the same thing happened again, so that for a few moments, the two of them were locked in some sort of awkward side stepping motion, both of them trying and failing to clear a path for the other to get past.

Finally, Lily managed to move in the right direction, and James walked past her, looking almost as awkward and as embarrassed as she felt as he carried on up the stairs, with Lily actually feeling sad to see him go.

He had just taken a few more steps when-

"James!"

The word was out of Lily's mouth before she could stop herself, her voice sounding breathless. She put her hand to her mouth in shock, not knowing what had unnerved her the most-the fact that she was calling James back to her, or the fact that she had just called him by his first name.

At the sound of his name, James stopped dead on the stairs, his back still to her.

He seemed to remain frozen to the spot for a few long moments, before he turned around slowly to face her, a confused-looking frown on his face.

Hesitantly, he walked back down a couple of stairs, towards her. "Lily?" he asked her with a raised eyebrow, still sounding utterly bewildered as to what she wanted.

Lily felt a shiver run through her body as he called her by her first name. She shook her head quickly, telling herself that the shiver had been brought on by the chill in the air.

Realising that he was still waiting for her to say something else, she tried desperately to put her confused thoughts into words…

"Look, Potter," she told him, attempting to regain some sort of composure but still sounding breathless, "I don't want you to leave me alone, all right?"

She hated that she was admitting this, hated that she sounded so apologetic, hated that she could be giving him some sort of upper hand, especially when she had always been so stubborn, so determined to keep him at a distance.

James still looked confused. "But, Evans, after that argument, you said-"

"I didn't mean it," she quickly interrupted him, feeling confused herself as to what she was actually saying. "Oh, okay, I did mean it, at the time, but I was just angry, all right? And you were being a prat. But now, I've realised that perhaps I didn't mean it…"

James muttered something under his breath about how she wasn't making any sense, and Lily glared at him.

"Look," she tried again, her voice a bit firmer this time, more steady, "I just want things to go back to the way they were…"

"Meaning?" James asked her with another raised eyebrow. He folded his arms, looking every inch the arrogant prat that she'd always said he was.

Lily sighed to herself, trying to gather her thoughts together, trying to find some sort of meaning in her words. "James, I want you to go back to calling out my name across the common room, or in classrooms, trying to get my attention. I want you to go back to sending me your _ridiculous_ paper crane notes in class, declaring your undying love all over the pieces of parchment, along with all your handwritten notes and insulting drawings. I want you to carry on trying to show off in front of me when we're all out in the grounds. I want to hear your stupid insults again, and all your strange attempts to ask me to go to Hogsmeade with you-including your bizarre singing Valentine's every February. I want to go back to calling you a prat at every given opportunity and getting into arguments with you _without_ the lack of communication for weeks on end as a result…"

Lily hadn't even realised that she'd wanted all of that again, but as she said the words out loud, she knew that they were all true.

She couldn't help feeling a little bit guilty as she told him exactly what she wanted, as she wondered whether she was being just as bad as the other girls she shared a dormitory with, who always liked to keep the boys who fancied them around, purely for the attention and the self-esteem boost that those boys would provide them with every time they asked the girls to go out with them.

But she felt very certain that it wasn't like that between her and James-she didn't just want to make up with him for attention, and, for all the times that he'd asked her to go out with him, she'd never really been certain of how serious he was in his claims to have feelings for her. She'd never even tried to find out before, what with all the tension and the animosity between them. But this year, with everything around her changing, and James seeming to be more mature, she'd really started to wonder…

"But… _why_ , Evans?" James asked her with another frown, looking completely lost as a result of this conversation.

Lily had the distinct impression that he was starting to regret his decision to turn back around on the stairs.

 _Because I miss you…_

The words appeared unbidden at the forefront of Lily's mind, shocking her. She was so shocked that she quickly placed her hand over her lips, for fear that she would unintentionally say the words out loud. She wasn't even sure what had made her think it, hadn't even realised that this was the reason why she had been so upset since their argument, since James had taken her words literally and made the decision to keep a distance from her.

She started to wonder if she really did have a soft spot for James Potter after all, even though this thought made her feel a bit nervous.

It was true that over the years, she had observed that he did have a kinder side to him, a side that he didn't really show to the rest of the school...

A couple of years ago, she'd spotted James and Sirius in one of the corridors, comforting a couple of upset first-years who seemed to have been unfairly given a detention. She'd also seen him being very kind and patient with younger members of the Quidditch team who'd injured themselves during training or matches.

James was also very caring with his best friends. Lily had witnessed him defending Peter in fights many times, and one time, she'd been walking through the school of an evening to escape the noise in the common room and she'd noticed Sirius, crying on James's shoulder in a hidden corner while James held him tight and reassured Sirius that he didn't _need_ his family; that _James_ was his family now.

Remus Lupin in particular seemed to bring out the more caring side of James, and Lily had often seen James fussing over him in the common room (especially the times when Remus mysteriously fell ill), offering to bring him pillows and blankets and tea and chocolate, and practically tucking Remus in when Remus took naps on the sofa.

Then there had been that time in fifth year, after Remus had refused to talk to Sirius for weeks on end, and James had helped Sirius to apologise in a big public event in the common room, where Sirius recited an emotional speech and begged for forgiveness for some secret wrongdoing. When Remus had finally accepted the apology and the two of them had hugged to a loud round of applause, Lily had noticed James discreetly wiping his eyes in the corner of the room, as though the argument had emotionally affected _him_ just as much as it had Sirius, and as though nothing could have made him happier than the knowledge that his two friends were back on speaking terms.

"I don't know," she finally chose to say to James instead with a shrug, even though she was aware of just how pathetic a response this truly was. She hoped however that he would be able to read between the lines of what she was saying, to work out what she meant without her having to spell anything out. "Hogwarts just isn't the same without all of that," she added, trying to sound vague, casual.

James, however, seemed to have understood her a bit too well. A very smug-looking smirk crossed his face, and there was definitely a triumphant glint in his eyes, and she could only imagine just what he had interpreted from everything she'd just said.

"You don't have to be such an arrogant prat about it!" Lily shouted, fighting the urge to blush all over again, as James seemed to be fighting off an urge to laugh. She felt more vulnerable than ever, as though she'd unintentionally laid her heart bare for the very first time, or revealed a deep, dark secret.

James continued to look very pleased with himself. "So, we're going back to the way things were then, Evans?" he asked, almost casually, but there was a hint of uncertainty in his voice, in spite of his smirk.

"Yes," Lily told him with what she hoped was a dignified nod, relieved at least that she hadn't had to offer some sort of heartfelt apology.

There were a few moments of silence, like they were both trying to work each other out.

In those moments, Lily couldn't help thinking about all the times she'd sat staring out of the window in the Gryffindor common room, trying desperately to escape all the giggling and the gossip from the girls in her dormitory, so that she could instead watch in barely-disguised fascination as James and his three best friends ran around the grounds outside, laughing and joking and playfully shoving one another, looking so happy, so free.

There were so many times when she'd longed to join them; when she'd longed to just let her hair down and let go of all the expectations that went with being a prefect, being Head Girl, being a good student, being a favourite of several of the teachers, being the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the understanding best friend; so many times when she'd just wanted to run free with the four of them, as annoying as they could all be, at times.

Sometimes, as she watched them, she would also imagine, in her deepest, darkest, most secret thoughts, that she really was running alongside them, and in those thoughts, James would always pull her in close as they ran, and then he would kiss her, and she would kiss him back…

Suddenly, James broke the silence, bringing Lily out of her embarrassing daydream…

"Looking good today, Evans," he told her with a grin and what could have been a leer, although there was something almost playful, teasing about the way he said it. It was like he was testing the waters, to see if he could go back to flirting with her.

"Shut it, Potter!" Lily snapped back at him, the way she always did when James Potter spoke to her like that. She struggled to fight off a grin of her own though, feeling overwhelmingly relieved that things were back to normal between the two of them; it felt like things were finally back to how they _should_ be.

James actually laughed at her response, and she sensed that he really was happy, now that things were back to normal. She also noticed that he looked a bit flushed, and she couldn't help wondering if it made him nervous somehow, being alone with her like this, without his friends to provide an audience to his typical interactions with her. She decided that she'd think about that idea a bit more later, when she was back in the common room.

So many other things were falling apart, but Lily still had a strange feeling that things might be a bit better if she had James Potter back in her life. It made her feel like she wasn't alone anymore. Although, this idea did scare her a little bit.

With another grin and a wink, James turned away from her and hurried up the rest of the steps.

The second he stepped inside the Owlery, Lily heard loud laughter and lots of whooping and cat-calls and wolf-whistles. She grinned and rolled her eyes, realising that Remus and Sirius had probably been listening in on the entire conversation.

Sirius called James something that sounded strangely like 'Prongsy', and then there were a few chants of, "Prongsy and Evans, sitting in a tree!" followed by James's panicked shouts of, "Shut up, you prats! She might hear you!"

Lily couldn't stop the gasp of laughter that escaped her lips, before she turned and hurried down the stairs, just in case James, Sirius or Remus came back outside to check if she was still there.

As she walked through the grounds, barely even noticing the cold anymore, she couldn't help the smile that continued to play on her lips. She also couldn't help looking forward to the next ridiculous comment that James Potter would make to her now that things were sort of back to normal between them.

And maybe, she decided, as she loosened her cloak a little, as soon as the date of the next visit to Hogsmeade was announced, she _might_ just be brave enough to step away from the window in the Gryffindor common room and head out into the grounds to find James, so that she could ask him if he wanted to go with her…


End file.
